Pointless

I'm angry. No, no I'm furious.

It's injustices that will not matter to anyone else. But injustices non the less. Ones I'm sure most can relate to. I don't care for people who will preach their good deeds to the masses but not follow through behind closed doors. I am far from a saint, still managing to cast stones. And in this circumstance I'm biased.
Does it really matter though? I have not blogged in what seems like over a year. So know that it took a lot to send me to the blog world to vent my frustration. But please, if you are in my life, if you are reading this blog, (which unfortunately the offender isn't), don't be fake. Even if the real you isn't pretty I'd rather see that. I try to live by that motto. My mannerism may not always be appealing , I may not always kiss the asses that others do, but you won't catch me faking it either. I'm enraged at certain ways of the world and people in mine. I see each day how sacred life is and I feel the same about letting people in to mine. I truly cherish those people in my life. There are so few that I have embraced in that manner. When I see those I love hurt, I hurt too. Feelings are not disposable and I take offense in situations where they are treated so carelessly.

"Do unto others as you would have done unto you"

I think that about sums it up.

And I bid you GOOD DAY!

Untitled.

It's 3:40 a.m. and I'm woken by a flash of light. It's as if someone has stepped into our room and turned on the lights. I sit straight up trying to collect my sleeping thoughts, "What's happening, Where was that from, What was that." Then as if to answer another beam shoots through the second story window of our room and immediately I'm frozen with fear. How could a light so bright be coming through with such intensity, clearly trying to find me. Having no other choice I carefully go to my window. Outside creeping slowly towards the house is a white SUV with a solitary blue light upon it and a mounted search light peering through the windows. I lunge back. What does he want? Who is he looking for? The officer steps out , flash light in hand, and surveys the property. I explain it to Damon and then go to see if the children are ok. He is looking for someone. I head to the top of the steps and wait. Shattering the silence is a small tap upon the door. Before I can cautiously get to it , it's gone. I run back to the window in my room, panicked by what is going on, to see the officer's vehicle creeping into the darkness unsatisfied.I want to scream, "Please don't go! Tell me what to be afraid of!!"
I go to Damon hoping he can erase the memory, make it go away or at least come up with better scenarios than my mind is playing out. Uncertainty though ,can there be much worse? Unfazed by the happenings he is back to sleep and I am in the dark prepared to jump at a moments notice to any creature,sound or shadow that dares interrupt the silence. But nothing. I get up. I can't take just laying there waiting for whatever or whoever it is to strike. So I make my way down the hall, when at the top of the steps I see him. Standing at my front door covered in darkness. With my own two eyes I spy a man through the small panes of glass on our patio, waiting, for me. After seeing the badge on his arm and regaining my composure I leap down the stairs to beg an answer from him. Within seconds we are talking. "Is something wrong?", I ask. " Well yes, I'm looking for, do you happen to know, ...Loren or BettyJean Anderson?" "They're my landlords, this is there home..." "Ah oh ok I see, well we have found there vehicle in diamond head...with a body in it,a man, I need to reach them." My heart sinks. He has given me the implications that it is not Loren, only leaving their son. I feel as if for a moment I am the mother and this man is saying without saying that my son is dead.
I do everything I can to lead him to them. All the while I want to go and catch BettyJean as she falls, hold Loren's hand as he sobs. It's not fair to lose your child like a thief in the night. It's not fair to hear it from a stranger. What was their last moment? Did they have dinner together that night? Where they happy together? Was his bed made? He was burned beyond recognition, do they remember how his face was at last glance? Will that hurt ever lessen for them? I look out the window and see beautiful flowers blowing in the wind and I'm angered. Who the hell allows a beautiful flower and day to exist amongst such tragedy? How can I protect my children from these things? I can barely get laundry done, how can I expect to save them from the unknown? I will say that I do not know if it is really there son who is dead. But from what information I heard, it's not outrageous to believe that is the case. What is grinding in my gut at this moment is that life, is still moving. It doesn't pay any respect to this loss. I know it's silly to think that anything is owed to us, but tell that to the grieving on this day. I'm not quite sure what I'm grieving at this moment, I just know that it's there hiding in the day light.

What is my motivation....

My dear sweet pal Ashley sent me a blog it forward.
The topic, What Inspires You.
So without further adoooooooooooo here is what moves me...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd8jh9QYfEs



Music

Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE music and it completely inspires and takes me places I could never imagine. It sparks every ounce of creativity in me, calms me down, revs me up, and jump starts my heart with each beat.




Laughter

But not just any laughter. The laughter of the very own root of my heart and soul. To hear Sebastian and Emery laugh is like being reborn over and over again. To know that they find humor in the world and are happy is a gift I would take over and over again. Life is hard. Life is short. But for a brief moment you are a child. To hear them laugh is a constant reminder to let them be children for as long as I can.








Photography


To be able to capture a moment in time is beautiful and inspiring to me. Life is always buzzing along, passing me by. But for a brief moment I can go back. With just a snapshot of what was, I can be there. And that fills my heart.






Nature

Good ol Mother Nature.
There is something about a peaceful quiet walk in nature. Something about listening to the earth. Nothing needs to be said. It's as if you can be still and God whispers a calm into my soul without me ever knowing the difference. I always feel a bit revived and at peace with myself after spending time and enjoying the outside. I mean real nature too. Not just sitting in my front yard necessarily. But some days that can do the trick too.


And last but certainly not least....





LOVE

Oh my my how does it inspire. What on earth is there to live for other than love I wonder. It is the epitome of happiness and fulfillment in my life. I have been lucky enough to find and marry my soulmate and continue to spread our love down with children. I searched my whole life for it. It lead my every move, both right and wrong. But eventually after wandering aimlessly it came to me. And because of that my life is worth living.

When the dog bites...

When the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and then I dont fell sooooooooo baaaaaaadd!!!!!!

Now that I have serenaded you lemme just show you a few of my favorite things.






OHMYGOSHI<3ROMPERS!!!!


And what's a good romper without some klassy kicks??





I mean are you on the floor lusting over these yet??? I know I am! Tomorrow I will share my other new obsession with you all. But I didn't want to throw it all on you today. I didn't think your poor hearts could take it. I know mine can't. Until then toodaloooooooo....and feel free to share your wants, needs, obsessions with me too...

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes. Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes.....

Passenger Seat

listen to this while you read please!!
(Death Cab For Cutie~Passenger Seat. I put a link but it wouldn't show!! So youtube it please. PLEASE??)

So listening to a friend, I decided to add this pic to my blog. I began to think what can I possibly blog about in regards to this picture?! A truck load of thoughts hit me but nothing stuck to my honey. Then as I downloaded the picture and listened to Kings of Convenience it hit me.

You know how when you are a kid you looked out of the window from the backseat as you passed all the light poles? I used to pretend I was on top of them jumping from one to the next. I used to laugh imagining myself screaming up to the driver, "Slow Down!! I can't jump that fast." Now here I am. In the passenger seat. An adult. My children staring out of the back window. I can't help but want to scream," Where did it go? Is it lost? Can I please go back and try again? I don't think I did it right!" There was such a comfort and ease in that back seat. Life was a journey you were getting to go on. I didn't have to worry about the traffic, the red lights, the driving conditions.

Life is becoming like this car ride to me. Everything is passing. Quickly at that. I wanna slam on the brakes. But you can't just slam on the brakes, it doesn't work like that. I guess I should realize that it's not over. I'm still in the car. I'm still moving. I'm just in the passenger seat now.

Mommy diaries...

Well Howdy! It's been a while! What am I doing right now you ask? Well what else that stuffing my face with generic vanilla sandwich cookies and twitching! What else would I be doing on a Friday afternoon?!



What actually brought upon this current binge is sickness. Not for me. For Sebastian. I get a dreaded call from his school saying he is sick. I'm slightly concerned, but not overly. Last time he was "sick" I walked in to the office to find him playing and having a grand ol' time. But this time I walk in to find him on the floor whimpering, "mommy I don't feel good." Immediately my heart hits the floor. I cradle him to the car, rush him home(thank goodness I had the wits about me to bring the golden goblet of juice), and take him inside. Then I go get sleeping beauty out of the car and bring her in to find Sebastian having a panic attack oscar worthy demon possessed meltdown. What's a mom to do?! I have a sleeping baby. That is a precious commodity and once a day occurance I can not for go!! I run her upstairs, lay her down, and rush back to the aide of the man downstairs. For what seems like a lifetime I attempt to calm him down, then move on to telling him he is going to wake Emery, talk to Damon, then try again to calm him and just when I am ready to throw in the towel I throw in a movie instead. And low and behold the healing powers of 101 Dalmations for me on this fateful Friday. So please if you're out there reading...say a little prayer that Sebastian feels better, Emery or the rest of us don't get it , and that these cookies go straight to my ass.



xoxo,
Brooke

I would like to thank the Academy and....

Ok ok I haven't actually won anything but I feel like I have. Since moving about a trizillion miles away from all I know and all my friends, I have realized that I do in fact have the best friends in the world. So in true creep style I shall sit here and pretend I HAVE won an award and these are the folks I'm thanking.....

If I am going to be creepy and pretend to accept an award I must of course first mention a creep who I KNOW stands in front of the mirror doing the same thing. Don't say you don't Ashley Schneider! One of the most caring people I have ever met in my life, and I am proud to call her my friend. Ashley is one of those girls you see and you wanna hate because she looks like she just jumped off a catwalk and in to real life. But then, she will walk straight up to you and start singing Salt N Peppa or doing a hammer dance and all preconceived notions are thrown out the door. I have never met someone who is so concerned with the happiness and well being of their friends. Where as I tend to be a little emo (as Ashley likes to say, Darhia) Ashley is like little miss sunshine. And not in an annoying, please quit loving life kind of way, but in a way that makes you smile and want to be a better person. Every piece of her is a true friend and makes me want to be a better one. My favorite part about the relationship Lady A and I have though is the creep factor. I could never even count the pages of emails we have exchanged over youtube videos and creepy office fantasies. Having a friend like Ashley is like getting to be a kid all over again and forget about the real world. It's all about the little things ,and that is after all what makes all the difference.



Maybe now I shall thank Sam. Sam oh Sam oh Sam. There isn't a girl out there who I can relate to in the mom department more than you! With Sam it's always %100 real. And that is what I love. We met through Damon and she was one of his college friends and is married to Damon's best friend. So naturally we had to be friends but since our first meeting I knew I wanted her as my friend. Our conversations aren't for the faint of heart. You will hear cussing and rude filthy commentary, but that's what I love. I don't have to hide or pretend to be what I am not with her. I can pour my heart out to her and not feel an ounce of judgement and she can do the same. But at the same time she is thoughtful and sweet, just don't tell her I told you. As a mom, it's hard to find people who understand how you feel, but with Sam I have a companion on that journey. And one of these days we will get to see each other again and embrace in a way only two friends weathering a storm can.


Now for my good ol MMC. Oh God love her. I have more insane memories with this woman than any other person in the world! She has seen me at my highest of highs and lowest of lows and she still likes me!! And now she is becoming a mom too. I can not wait to share all of the joys with her that it brings, and all the other things that come with it. I don't know where I would be today if it wasn't for her. She is the Cheech to my Chong, the cream filling to my oreo, the mayo for my bbq sandwich. I would and have done just about anything for that girl. She has seen me try to show off running backwards and crack a rib on the bed of a truck, and I have seen her slide of a car in the middle of winter, smack dab onto the concrete while peeing on it. She let me make a fool of myself and dance like I knew what I was doing only to know now that I was a hot mess. I love that girl to the ends of the earth and beyond. She knows me like no other and I have shared the best college years and experiences with her. She will forever have a place in my heart.


Now for my SS4L. Mandy. Sometimes you meet a person in your life who you feel an insane connection with. Like you knew each other in another life, or you were destined to cross paths. Mandy is my soul sista. There are so many things we have in common and so many thoughts that follow the same path. I couldn't even begin to name the big and small likenesses we share. Our friendship is deeply rooted and will forever be. I'm confident in that whatever comes after this life, Mandy will find me some way and our friendship will continue. Dork.



Now for a disclaimer. It isn't that I don't have a picture of Ashley, it's just that only she could appreciate such a creepy portrait.

I would like to say that I have other friends, and I do, but truth be told you four are all the friends I need. I have the most amazing husband who also fills in there, but I only included the ladies. I'm sure he understands. My world just wouldn't be the same without you girls and I hope you always know how much I love you!!!