Untitled.

It's 3:40 a.m. and I'm woken by a flash of light. It's as if someone has stepped into our room and turned on the lights. I sit straight up trying to collect my sleeping thoughts, "What's happening, Where was that from, What was that." Then as if to answer another beam shoots through the second story window of our room and immediately I'm frozen with fear. How could a light so bright be coming through with such intensity, clearly trying to find me. Having no other choice I carefully go to my window. Outside creeping slowly towards the house is a white SUV with a solitary blue light upon it and a mounted search light peering through the windows. I lunge back. What does he want? Who is he looking for? The officer steps out , flash light in hand, and surveys the property. I explain it to Damon and then go to see if the children are ok. He is looking for someone. I head to the top of the steps and wait. Shattering the silence is a small tap upon the door. Before I can cautiously get to it , it's gone. I run back to the window in my room, panicked by what is going on, to see the officer's vehicle creeping into the darkness unsatisfied.I want to scream, "Please don't go! Tell me what to be afraid of!!"
I go to Damon hoping he can erase the memory, make it go away or at least come up with better scenarios than my mind is playing out. Uncertainty though ,can there be much worse? Unfazed by the happenings he is back to sleep and I am in the dark prepared to jump at a moments notice to any creature,sound or shadow that dares interrupt the silence. But nothing. I get up. I can't take just laying there waiting for whatever or whoever it is to strike. So I make my way down the hall, when at the top of the steps I see him. Standing at my front door covered in darkness. With my own two eyes I spy a man through the small panes of glass on our patio, waiting, for me. After seeing the badge on his arm and regaining my composure I leap down the stairs to beg an answer from him. Within seconds we are talking. "Is something wrong?", I ask. " Well yes, I'm looking for, do you happen to know, ...Loren or BettyJean Anderson?" "They're my landlords, this is there home..." "Ah oh ok I see, well we have found there vehicle in diamond head...with a body in it,a man, I need to reach them." My heart sinks. He has given me the implications that it is not Loren, only leaving their son. I feel as if for a moment I am the mother and this man is saying without saying that my son is dead.
I do everything I can to lead him to them. All the while I want to go and catch BettyJean as she falls, hold Loren's hand as he sobs. It's not fair to lose your child like a thief in the night. It's not fair to hear it from a stranger. What was their last moment? Did they have dinner together that night? Where they happy together? Was his bed made? He was burned beyond recognition, do they remember how his face was at last glance? Will that hurt ever lessen for them? I look out the window and see beautiful flowers blowing in the wind and I'm angered. Who the hell allows a beautiful flower and day to exist amongst such tragedy? How can I protect my children from these things? I can barely get laundry done, how can I expect to save them from the unknown? I will say that I do not know if it is really there son who is dead. But from what information I heard, it's not outrageous to believe that is the case. What is grinding in my gut at this moment is that life, is still moving. It doesn't pay any respect to this loss. I know it's silly to think that anything is owed to us, but tell that to the grieving on this day. I'm not quite sure what I'm grieving at this moment, I just know that it's there hiding in the day light.

What is my motivation....

My dear sweet pal Ashley sent me a blog it forward.
The topic, What Inspires You.
So without further adoooooooooooo here is what moves me...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd8jh9QYfEs



Music

Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE music and it completely inspires and takes me places I could never imagine. It sparks every ounce of creativity in me, calms me down, revs me up, and jump starts my heart with each beat.




Laughter

But not just any laughter. The laughter of the very own root of my heart and soul. To hear Sebastian and Emery laugh is like being reborn over and over again. To know that they find humor in the world and are happy is a gift I would take over and over again. Life is hard. Life is short. But for a brief moment you are a child. To hear them laugh is a constant reminder to let them be children for as long as I can.








Photography


To be able to capture a moment in time is beautiful and inspiring to me. Life is always buzzing along, passing me by. But for a brief moment I can go back. With just a snapshot of what was, I can be there. And that fills my heart.






Nature

Good ol Mother Nature.
There is something about a peaceful quiet walk in nature. Something about listening to the earth. Nothing needs to be said. It's as if you can be still and God whispers a calm into my soul without me ever knowing the difference. I always feel a bit revived and at peace with myself after spending time and enjoying the outside. I mean real nature too. Not just sitting in my front yard necessarily. But some days that can do the trick too.


And last but certainly not least....





LOVE

Oh my my how does it inspire. What on earth is there to live for other than love I wonder. It is the epitome of happiness and fulfillment in my life. I have been lucky enough to find and marry my soulmate and continue to spread our love down with children. I searched my whole life for it. It lead my every move, both right and wrong. But eventually after wandering aimlessly it came to me. And because of that my life is worth living.

When the dog bites...

When the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and then I dont fell sooooooooo baaaaaaadd!!!!!!

Now that I have serenaded you lemme just show you a few of my favorite things.






OHMYGOSHI<3ROMPERS!!!!


And what's a good romper without some klassy kicks??





I mean are you on the floor lusting over these yet??? I know I am! Tomorrow I will share my other new obsession with you all. But I didn't want to throw it all on you today. I didn't think your poor hearts could take it. I know mine can't. Until then toodaloooooooo....and feel free to share your wants, needs, obsessions with me too...

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes. Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes.....

Passenger Seat

listen to this while you read please!!
(Death Cab For Cutie~Passenger Seat. I put a link but it wouldn't show!! So youtube it please. PLEASE??)

So listening to a friend, I decided to add this pic to my blog. I began to think what can I possibly blog about in regards to this picture?! A truck load of thoughts hit me but nothing stuck to my honey. Then as I downloaded the picture and listened to Kings of Convenience it hit me.

You know how when you are a kid you looked out of the window from the backseat as you passed all the light poles? I used to pretend I was on top of them jumping from one to the next. I used to laugh imagining myself screaming up to the driver, "Slow Down!! I can't jump that fast." Now here I am. In the passenger seat. An adult. My children staring out of the back window. I can't help but want to scream," Where did it go? Is it lost? Can I please go back and try again? I don't think I did it right!" There was such a comfort and ease in that back seat. Life was a journey you were getting to go on. I didn't have to worry about the traffic, the red lights, the driving conditions.

Life is becoming like this car ride to me. Everything is passing. Quickly at that. I wanna slam on the brakes. But you can't just slam on the brakes, it doesn't work like that. I guess I should realize that it's not over. I'm still in the car. I'm still moving. I'm just in the passenger seat now.

Mommy diaries...

Well Howdy! It's been a while! What am I doing right now you ask? Well what else that stuffing my face with generic vanilla sandwich cookies and twitching! What else would I be doing on a Friday afternoon?!



What actually brought upon this current binge is sickness. Not for me. For Sebastian. I get a dreaded call from his school saying he is sick. I'm slightly concerned, but not overly. Last time he was "sick" I walked in to the office to find him playing and having a grand ol' time. But this time I walk in to find him on the floor whimpering, "mommy I don't feel good." Immediately my heart hits the floor. I cradle him to the car, rush him home(thank goodness I had the wits about me to bring the golden goblet of juice), and take him inside. Then I go get sleeping beauty out of the car and bring her in to find Sebastian having a panic attack oscar worthy demon possessed meltdown. What's a mom to do?! I have a sleeping baby. That is a precious commodity and once a day occurance I can not for go!! I run her upstairs, lay her down, and rush back to the aide of the man downstairs. For what seems like a lifetime I attempt to calm him down, then move on to telling him he is going to wake Emery, talk to Damon, then try again to calm him and just when I am ready to throw in the towel I throw in a movie instead. And low and behold the healing powers of 101 Dalmations for me on this fateful Friday. So please if you're out there reading...say a little prayer that Sebastian feels better, Emery or the rest of us don't get it , and that these cookies go straight to my ass.



xoxo,
Brooke